exponentiation ezine: issue [4.0:news]

Skateboard Art Kick Flips Rembrandt
October 3rd, 2006

LOS ANGELES, CA - Los Angeles, the land of pristine skyline and shimmering rivers, will not be wearing another cape of beauty on its shoulders next week as the famed Rembrandt painting "The Night Watch" has been removed from its world tour visit to the J. Paul Getty Museum. The reason? Skate Punk Art week at the Getty. Officials have stated that the scheduled date of arrival for the Rembrandt piece conflicts with the Skate Punk Art week's massive BBQ and board art fiesta. Because of the massive popularity of the Skate Punk Art week it has become, in the words of Museum Director Donald Hersh, "artistically, spatially and economically unfeasible to host both events simultaneously."

An executive meeting was held at the Getty Center on September 27th to decide the fate of the two events. Director Hersh gave the following comments on the decision making process, "it was a tough one, I'll tell you that. Twelve of us voted and it came to a split vote, six to six. We were about to pull straws to settle the dispute, but luckly we heard the evening security guy whistling in the halls so we called him in to cast a tiebreaker. The final vote fell in favor of ousting Rembrandt, seven to six." Herse continued, assuring the Skate Artists that their event was safe, "well we want everyone who was planning on this event for some months to take a deep sigh of relief. We are still hosting the Sixth Annual Skate Art Week. We appreciated the support of the United Skate Art Foundation for working closely with us in this dilemma. And to all those coming out for the event, don't forget to bring your appetites, there's gonna be a BBQ!"

Evening security guard Luke Richardson was contacted for a comment regarding his tough tie breaking decision. He issued the following comments on a blood stained bar napkin (ed.- numerous expletives have been omitted. Nothing else has been deleted or altered in Mr. Richardson's writing and the text has been displayed in full in accordance with his demands on the back of the bar napkin):

"well it wasn't an easy decision to boot Rem manz art work, ya now? I mean the guys like famous for lighting in his pictures or somthin' like that, but while thats cool historicilly en all, it's not what the kidz are into anymore...besides, I'm not even sure Remmy man could have put out some of the sweet paint lickz on the bottom of the new DC boards. I mean have you seen the shading work on the Flaming Satan does an olly board put out recently by the DC guys!! I mean [expletive], you tell me with a straight [expletive] face that you want to jam stale old smelly art in ur museum halls when you have that bitchin [expletive] in your midst...and holy [expletive] you should see some of the airbrushing detail on the new Independent truckz. Don't even get me started on that tasty line of work."

Because the Rembrandt has no other location to be displayed during the week of the Skate Art festival, officials have decided that it will be stored in a large box in the Getty's basement. At the end of the week it will be shipped to Seattle to be displayed and deconstructed in a gay and lesbian coffee art house for dyslexics.

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American Standard Announces Revolutionary Toilet
October 15th, 2006

PISCATAWAY, NJ - The bath and kitchen fixtures and fittings branch of company American Standard has announced the newest creation in its line of home toilet bowls this week, handsomely titled the Tawny Wiper. Unlike American Standard's older toilet bowl models, the newest member of the American Standard family is revolutionizing what it means to take a trip to the "royal throne." The Tawny Wiper is unlike more conventional toilet bowls that sit there cold and sterile waiting for you to do something, the Tawny Wiper comes stocked with toilet seat warmers, a mechanical arm that does the wiping for you (in all the tough to reach spaces), a plug in for you ipod or mp3 player so you can listen to tunes as you go, and a latte maker so you can enjoy your favorite cup of joe while you visit your bathroom paradise.

American Standard has announced that it is already taking further steps to make sure future models of the Tawny Wiper are just as revolutionary. American Standard Company CEO Frederic Poses has not let any secrets out of the bag, but has announced that future models will be fully automated with the HAL 5000 chip so that the owner of the prestigious bowl can program voice recognition, music, videos and greetings into the Tawny Wiper. Spokeswoman for American Standard Diana LeHey had this to say about the Tawny Wiper, "we here at American Standard are modest, but we can't hold our excitement back any longer. Going to the bathroom will never again be the same after the release of the Tawny Wiper. Imagine, sitting on your own private throne…and mind you we are developing some models to look like a very royal throne…and then when you make that special delivery you are congratulated with your favorite sports tune, or by that sexy little voice you programmed into the voice system telling you you've done an A-class job…now that's living the life." That's living all right, not since the bidet and the squat toilet has there been anything quite so exciting to announce in the world of bathroom engineering design.

What's the price of a creation that Roman Emperors could have only dreamed of? Four hundred and Fifty Five dollars. "What's so fantastic about it," says Diana LeHey, "is that this little piece of Kinghood is going to be moderately priced for the average man. Most bowls go for about three hundred and fifty dollars. What we have is a revolutionary product that only costs one hundred dollars more than the old, cheap model toilets. Pricing it so cheap might be something revolutionary too, but we don't want to brag too much! We want everyone to enjoy our creation. Our slogan is, 'enough with having to bend over to wipe those hard to get places, lay back and be treated to a curtsey wipe and massage by Tawny Wiper.'"

Perhaps like natural growing processes in the agricultural industry, wiping will be a thing of the past. Could American Standard be the Monsanto of the bathroom Industry? Only time will tell. One thing is for sure, the future of the bowl looks springtime fresh, wintertime white!